Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
