Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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