Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
