I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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