Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
