Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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