sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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