I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
