Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
