I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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