I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
my god I love twenty year old dicks
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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