i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
