I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
