this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
