Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
