dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
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He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
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I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
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