Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
