I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you didnt know i had herpes?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
