he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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