it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
