This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Dick very happy bro
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
