a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
