I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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