I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he puts the penis in happiness.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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