He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I am spending my child support on dildos
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
