Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
