turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
