It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
