Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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