I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
