My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
