Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
