I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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