I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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