someone get that fucking seahorse.
there's paper in my vomit.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
