I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
