Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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