you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
