you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
