Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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