When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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