she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
