Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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