so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
