Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
