wakey wakey hands off snakey
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
