That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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