Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
