Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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