i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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