I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.