I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
I have to watch that.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me