I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
