Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
