Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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