so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
