My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So much Jack, so little girl.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
