that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
