If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
