I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
