im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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