I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
