Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
