The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
false alarm, still single
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
