my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
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Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
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but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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